Overheard jewels of the week.

In Gender Studies Class: 1:00pm

Guy: Gahhhh. I’m so bored, this is retarded.

Girl: You probs shouldn’t use the word “retarded” as an adjective…It’s not politically correct, and if prof hears you, she’ll hide under a table over it and you’ll ruin class.

Guy: Not you too…. Courtney’s cutting me off sex until I stop using it completely, because her cousin’s “challenged”, and she doesn’t want a family feud to break out when I go to meet them all for the first time on Turkey Day. It’s really hard to stop, and you know how much I love sex! Arrgghhh…Fuck me…

Girl: No thank you… I’d rather leave that to your boo once you become socially acceptable…

Guy: (death look.)


At Timmies on Prospect: 5:30pm

Kid (maybe 10?): Mom, can I have another donut?

Mother: Have another one, if you want to end up looking like your fat-ass excuse of a Dad. Sure.

Kid (turning to his father): Dad? Will mom love me less is I get fat?

Dad: (silent).


From my room, overhearing my Mom skyping with my twin, 8:30pm

Dave: So Mom, what’s Andréa up to, today?

Ma: “Patching up her slipper comfy jeans”, she told me earlier. They ripped in the thigh area.

Dave: Wooooahh! The twin’s got thunder thighs! HA!

Ma: David Joseph Peters!! Your sister’s thighs aren’t thunderous!

Dave: Yeah whatever! Mom, tell her on my behalf: “Be brave, Sis.” I tore through two pairs of shorts this summer. “It’s part of life, when you’re half black and got more booty than you know what to do with.”

Ma: Um…David. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your support, but her thighs didn’t get big, she just took a fall.

Dave: Soon or later, when she’ll have gotten over her denial, tell her to give me a call if she needs to talk.


At the grocery store: 9:00am

Guy one: Alright. Let’s start with the meats section. We need meat, dude.

Guy two: Wait up, look, there’s a brick of tofu here on sale. That stuff is like, crazy intense protein for super cheap!

Guy one: Yeah. And it’s also as tasteless and rubbery feeling as my prosthetic finger. No thank you, let’s get some steaks.

Guy two: I should have foreseen you pulling the fake finger card on me again…(pauses and erupts with laughter) See what I did, there? Get it? I made a pun with pulling and your finger… Ha…ha..HA!!

Guy one: You’re so lame; you should just go back to living with your mother.


(p.s: I need to confess I actually bought the tofu on sale. It really was a great deal.)


At the Harvest Jazz Festival:

Girl one: Man, she blows!

Girl two: You’ll need to be a bit more specific, here. We’re at a jazz concert, and I don’t know if you’re speaking of blowing horns, cock, or just in the general sense of things.