It's the end of the semester and I'm finding myself fussing over my creative writing portfolio, and hopelessly trying to decide which grad school to apply to after I graduate next year. Here are some humorous career options I've compiled for aspiring writers turned cynical :p
10. Babysitter – It lets you spend time with people who whine almost as much as you.
09. Janitor – Free access to a dumpster, which will come in handy for your piles of terrible scripts that need disposing.
08. Video Store Employee – If it’s good enough for Quentin Tarantino, it’s good enough for you. The only difference is that unlike Tarantino, you’re going to be a lifer, but that’s a minor technicality, right?
07. Copy Clerk at Staples– That way if you can’t write your own bestseller, you can steal it from the writer who brings theirs to make copies for mailing to publishers.
06. Satirical News Writer – When you’re feeling insecure about your own shitty writing and lack of wit, you can take cheap pot-shots at other aspiring writers like yourself.
05. Carpenter – With so much experience creating wooden characters, you’d be a natural. And if you’re going to bang your head against a wall every single night of your life, it helps to have a spare hard hat.
04. Proofreader – You’re not very good at analyzing important things like story and structure, but you’ve got a keen eye for spotting spelling errors. Good for you.
03. McDonald’s Cashier – It feels wrong, but at least you can pretend to be ‘slow’ and then everyone will leave you alone despite your crappy writing skills.
02. Bus Driver – When thoughts of suicide overwhelm you following your latest rejection, the prospect of taking 20 or 30 strangers with you off that cliff might be just enough motivation to not go through with it.Your lack of command of the English language might also come in handy in traffic jams.
01. Proctologist – Succeeding as a writer will probably involve an intimate knowledge of kissing other people’s asses, so you might as well make sure as many of those rear-ends as possible are in good working order.
(adapted and modified from an original list, posted at http://hollywoodroaster.wordpress.com/2009/09/25/the-top-30-day-jobs-for-aspiring-writers-and-why/)
Share a laugh with other beloved writers, my friends!
A.
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